Soapy Titties

Where golf friends share


I’m not going to lie, I still don’t know how to spell it 100%. I’m also not sure how to pronounce it. I am confident on the first syllable though: Rust. But let me tell you, rusty might be his name, but it doesn’t describe his ability. ‘Rustin’ (lets just go with that spelling for now) had a really solid knowledge of the game, knew how to speak to a nuffy about how to be better and knew how to talk shit about the surf scene in Bandon too. In a nutshell Rustin has a rating of: ‘recommend’ in my book. 

It it was like the caddy services guy had stalked me as a child and knew how to pair me with just the right looper so that I could talk to him about all previous life events. Actually I was almost a bit creeped out about it. He had a young baby, he had a surfing history, he had a golfing obsession, the one thing that we had that was considerably different was that Rustin was excellent at golf, and I was terrible at golf.

If if there was anything I would change about Rustin it would be that I wish he was a little dirtier. When I think about this guy I put him in the same realm as Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Channing Tatum: so nice, maybe even too nice, the purest heart in North Bend. If you can deal with that, Rusty is your guy. He has never uttered a bad word about another human being in his life. Even when we baited him about a caddy that we had heard negative stories about for confirmation, he spoke with gusto about the clever ways in which this guy packed his lunch. Rusty is truly the salt of the earth.

Vital statistics:

Approx Height: 5,10

Approx Weight: 170lbs

Approx Age: 29

Demeanor: Enthusiastic about your potential. Likes to watch the ocean, but also has an eye on your game

Around the course: Rusty will put the driver in your hand if he thinks you have even 7% potential to do something good with it, which I appreciated. Very positive. When it comes to tricky shots, he will let you find your own way through them, unless you ask, then he will tell you to do something complicated in a way that sounds amazingly simple. You will likely fail, but you will also learn something.

Reading greens: Rusty was only hampered by my inability to trust his reads, but all said and done he is solid. Sometimes I thought he was thinking too much about the 6′ right hander he would be riding tomorrow morning and he got lazy, but 90% of the time he was super solid, and definitely has the experience to surprise you with his accuracy.

Propensity to drink: Rusty drank nothing but hot chocolates while I was with him, The consummate professional, but something tells me if you had some mushrooms in your pocket he might meet you in the Dunes after your round to talk about the connection between the cosmos and your terrible round of golf.

All in all:  Rusty is a solid guy, a lopper in touch with the earth, an honest and true human being and from what the other caddies say, he plays even better golf than he says he does. I didn’t deserve him, but I’ll take him everyday,

One thing though, if you happen to talk about giving yourself a monkey blood scrotox(look it up), neither rusty, nor any of the other caddies will react, or weigh in on your intentions to do so. Hot tip: Keep that one between you and your foursome.



Caddies: Cody

I’d NEVER played with a caddie before. The boys talked about it and i thought ‘yeah, whatever big shots’.  But after several terrible rounds i figured it couldn’t make me any worse, and so i put in a request for a man to carry my bags and tell me what i was doing wrong.

And then Cody turned up.

When i say he turned up, it was a bit of a surprise, he wasn’t there on the first tee, or the second. I was starting to think that the caddies had been talking about me like some sort of disease and that they were forgoing their fee to not spend the day with such a hack, but then, on the 3rd fairway, through the trees of Bandon Trails, out waddled Cody.

I’m pretty sure that young Cody had been sitting around in Caddy corner for 3 months being slapped in the face by the other caddies’ dicks in a caddy hazing ritual, and when they told him that he got a legitimate call-up he was half asleep in some sort of self-induced haze of denial. Somehow he snapped out of it and rocked up, late, but better late than never, Cody was a real champ and a great sport. 

Vital statistics:

Approx Height: 5,7″

Approx Weight: 189lbs

Approx Age: 24

Demeanor: Complimentary. Happy to be out there if you’re not a dick. Jovial, with that slightly bigger guy nonchalant-style. 

Around the course: Honest advice. Won’t talk up your game and will lean on caution should you be terrible at golf. Not sure how helpful he would be should you actually be able to play.

Reading Greens: Knows his stuff for a young blood, reads well and will give a left right and speed recommendation. I found him great, especially on the giant Old Mac greens. 

Propensity to drink: if you offer him a drink, 10 times out of 10 he will take it. Let’s call it ‘social’. At some time he might realize he is getting a bit drunk and also a bit less useful, and he will gracefully slow himself down. 

To be honest, it was the first time that i had broken 100 when Cody had my back and so i’m thankful for that, and with all of the ego-stroking i’m likely to look for him again as he is probably a good fit for someone of low ability. I’m sure he is a great golfer himself, but you won’t get the best value out of Cody if you don’t get a seasoned pro to also join your group, just so you can see how much they totally ignore him. It’s worth the price of admission.